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World Cups and Anal Sex

December 2, 2010

Blatter the Bloated Ballsack can't even kick a ball.

The announcement is still hot, fresh out of the oven:

Russia will host the 2018 World Cup, and Qatar the 2022 edition of what is arguably the world’s largest party.

But my mood ain’t so much for partying anymore…at least not right now.

The reason is obvious: the 2018 World Cup should have gone to England. And the USA should have earned 2022.

Those were the sensible choices. The reasonable options. The ones that, like, made complete and total sense, you follow me?!

But, who am I kidding, FIFA has truly embraced soccer’s philosophy of spontaneity and unpredictability, caring little about the rules just like soccer cares little about fair video-replay technology.

As mentioned on my Twitter feed this morning, FIFA is like a secular version of the Vatican. It is its own country, it follows its own rules and it too endorses absurd beliefs and behaviour. Its Pope is Joseph Blatter, who, just like Benedict, is a geezer with no charisma, and with a flair for fascism. Blatter runs FIFA as if he were playing a game of Risk, or Civilization: spreading his Empire; conquering new lands; assimilating new peoples. It’s all about ego and money, really – like most things in this wretched enterprise known as ‘life’, I suppose.

Until a few weeks ago, England had been the ultra favourites to win 2018. Frankly, they could host a World Cup tomorrow. The infrastructure, the stadiums, the security measures…it’s all there, ready. No one disputes any of that – not even FIFA, mind you. But hey, like I said, money and ego come first. Recently, BBC’s programme “Panorama” exposed some of the backstage shenanigans involving FIFA officials, bribes, corruption…the whole deal. Obviously, Pope Blatter didn’t dig the news so much, and immediately denied all accusations. But the worse was yet to come; in a political move of obvious retaliation, England were stripped off their right to host the 2018 games. Somehow, they only got two of the 22 votes from the committee, one of which being their own vote…

And given that Putin is a political ninja, and has all kinds of connections (and cash), and the fact that Russia represents new territory to be conquered by Blatter the Great Geezer, the country immediately became FIFA’s main focus once England was out of the way. Thus, them Ruskies got the games in the bag, yo!

But what really bothers me is Qatar hosting in 2022; it truly enrages me.

Qatar is a tiny country, smaller than Connecticut. It has a population of about 1,6 million people. It has no tradition in soccer. It’s in the middle of the desert. Its average summer temperature is 40C. It is also an absolute Monarchy infected by ignorance, religious dementia, totalitarianism and (according to lovely Wikipedia) they’ve had the world’s highest per-capita carbon dioxide emissions for the past 18 years. Not to mention that their national team, which ranks 113th in the world, will actually play at their World Cup.


And, of course, even anal sex is illegal in Qatar. Indeed, Islamic Law dominates all personal matters.

So the world’s greatest party is going to a place like that? A desert whose rulers may not like what kind of sex you’re into?

If there was ever a time to quit being a soccer fan, this is it – right now.

I’m thinking of following fencing, or perhaps water polo for the next 15 years…

FIFA has really turned me off. I feel cheated. I feel sick. The organization doesn’t care about the game, or the fans, or even about the rules. Similarly to a Prime-Minister who stays in power for too long, becoming detached from reality and the real needs of his people, concerned only with holding his position in power, FIFA has somewhat forgotten what soccer really is all about. They turned it into a business; an enterprise – an Empire. And like any Empire, it needs to expand in order to feed the machine. It needs to break international boundaries and put common-sense aside. Inevitably, the result will be the destruction of its core values in order to keep itself running; in order to hold on to power. That is the natural journey of any great Empire, from Rome to America.

The conclusion is bound to be complete alienation.

Frankly, I’m tired…

So, on a final note, going back to the lovely theme of anal sex: dear FIFA, why don’t you step back, and literally f*#% your own behind!

Just a suggestion.


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