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Fernando Fail

April 13, 2011

Fernando Torres: at this point, might as well take a big poop on the pitch.

Well, another week of Champions League matches has gone by, another week of Fernando Torres failing to score…

It’s become ridiculous, really. Torres, who was crowned World Champion with Spain last summer (of course, he didn’t score one single goal in South Africa), made a move from one of the world’s biggest clubs (Liverpool), to another even bigger club (Chelsea) for the bagatelle of £50 million – a new record for British transfers. And nope, he still hasn’t scored one miserable single goal in the blue kit.

To celebrate such lack of productivity from the striker, I have been amusing myself on Twitter by creating jokes on the Spaniard (as opposed to Torres, I can be that productive).

Here’s a selected collection of my tweets on El Nino. I hope I get to score a chuckle:

Scientists have discovered a new fossil in Northern Europe today. They believe it to be the remains of Fernando Torres’ last goal.

The last time Torres scored a goal, he had to dribble past a Velociraptor.

Giggs, the immortal. Torres, the incompetent.

Hey guys, hey, remember that time when Fernando Torres scored a goal? Me neither.

I remember the last time Torres scored a goal. Rachel and Ross had just had a baby. #friends #soLongAgo

I think Moses refereed the game in which Torres last scored a goal. The pitch was rather sandy.

Come to think of it, that’s why they probably wandered around the desert for 40 years. Waiting for Torres to score.

The last time Fernando Torres scored, Mel Gibson and the Jews were still buddies.

Torres & Anelka = farmers.

Hey, wasn’t the film “The Impostors” about Anelka and Fernando Torres at Chelsea?

Isn’t Spike Lee’s “Do The Right Thing” about that time when Ancelotti tried to convince Torres to score a goal?

Hey, isn’t “the Sixth Sense” about that time Fernando Torres thought he could score a goal, but realized he was dead in the end?

Isn’t “10 Things I Hate About You” about the list Liverpool fans made after Torres went to Chelsea? And “Escape to Victory” on their aftermath relief?

Isn’t “Mission Impossible” about Fernando Torres trying to score a goal?

Guys, let’s stop making fun of Torres. He’s just a very overpriced striker who can’t score, at all. Y’all being too harsh.

If Torres doesn’t score in the 1st half against Wigan this weekend, he’ll beat Chris Sutton’s record at Chelsea (458 min without scoring). And no, that is not a joke. Wait, yes it is.


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